She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
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I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
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where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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