I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
