I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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