Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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