Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
