so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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