The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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