It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
