I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
