my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
