i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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