My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
