I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
