If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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