Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
