she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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