Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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