May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
