Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he fucked my hip out of place.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
