If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
