Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
