People in love make me want to vomit
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
