Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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