I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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