Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
