Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
