Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Randomize
