Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
