i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
