I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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