checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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