Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
