i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My vagina is very pro this idea
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
