who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
