who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
