it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Randomize
