The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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