I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
