I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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