He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
