I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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