My liver just broke up with me...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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