she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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