My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
