I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
