I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
