Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
