false alarm. still invincible.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
