mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
