I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
