I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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