I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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