If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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