She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
