Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
