i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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