I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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