I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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