Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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